What's Holding You Back?
What’s holding you back?
You may have the same reaction to that question that I had when it was asked by my manager in a performance review.
My unspoken reaction was, “What do you mean? Nothing is holding me back. I’m doing just fine, thank you.
I wasn’t doing fine. I had lost my business of over 20 years, my wife divorced me, my money was gone, and my relationships with my sons were broken. No, I wasn’t doing fine. I was doing repair work on my ego which is a lame excuse for doing the real work to turn suffering into transformation.
Once I dropped my defenses and made friends with the question, I realized that I had allowed those situations to define me. The answer to the question, “What’s holding you back? was simple. It was me.
I had allowed myself to be drawn into the Drama Triangle. The Drama Triangle is a concept in psychology that describes three roles that individuals may adopt in interpersonal conflicts or problematic situations: the victim, the persecutor, and the rescuer. These roles are seen as interrelated and mutually reinforcing, creating a cycle of drama and dysfunction.
The victim is someone who feels powerless, helpless, or oppressed in a situation. They may blame others for their problems and feel a sense of self-pity or martyrdom.
The persecutor is someone who takes on an aggressive or controlling role in a situation. They may blame or criticize others, use intimidation or coercion to get their way, or behave in a hostile or threatening manner.
The rescuer is someone who tries to "save" or "fix" others in a situation. They may take on a caretaking role, offer unsolicited advice or help, or try to intervene in conflicts to resolve them.
I was trapped in all of those roles, but most of my time was spent in the victim role, feeling sorry for myself. There is some perverse pleasure in playing the victim. I could avoid responsibility for my situation and move over to the persecutor role and blame others for my misfortune. Blaming others gives one a false sense of superiority. The ego is always seeking superiority.
We create our lives by the questions we ask. The question from my manager helped me change my question from “What’s wrong with me?” to “What do I need to learn?” I turned the victim role into a creator role and started creating the life I wanted for myself.
There’s a scene in the movie Camelot when the young King Arthur and Merlin are sitting in the woods. King Arthur’s life wasn’t going well. He asked Merlin, “What do you do for sadness?” Merlin replied, “Learn something.”
Learn something about yourself. It’s one of the great adventures of life.