"Flourishing" and "languishing" are two beautiful words, with a pleasant "ish" in the middle and an "ing" at the end. Both words roll off the tongue effortlessly. However, one carries a beautiful meaning while the other does not. They both describe states of being that we might find ourselves in. Let’s take a closer look at each one.
Languishing is a state where everything is seemingly fine, but there is a lingering sense that there could be more. The pain of unhappiness may have dissipated, but a feeling of incompleteness remains. Our life isn't deteriorating, but it's also not improving. We find ourselves stuck and hesitant to make a change because the potential discomfort of change does not yet outweigh the discomfort of remaining the same.
Flourishing is a state of being where a person lives a good, fulfilling life with a sense of purpose. It is a state of well-being encompassing physical and mental health and social and emotional well-being. We’re not getting older. We’re getting better.
There are many different definitions of flourishing, but some of the common elements include:
Positive emotions: Flourishing people experience many positive emotions, such as happiness, joy, love, and gratitude.
Meaning and purpose: Flourishing people have a sense of meaning and purpose in their lives. They know what they value and are working towards something they believe in.
Positive relationships: Flourishing people have strong and supportive relationships with family, friends, and loved ones.
Self-acceptance: Flourishing people accept themselves for who they are, with their strengths and weaknesses. They are not constantly striving to be someone they are not.
Resilience: Flourishing people can bounce back from setbacks and challenges. They do not let difficult experiences define them.
Flourishing is not a destination; it is a journey. We can all work towards it, no matter where we are in our lives. There are many things that we can do to increase our own flourishing, such as:
Practicing gratitude: Taking the time to appreciate the good things in our lives can help us to focus on the positive and to feel more content.
Connecting with others: Spending time with loved ones and building strong relationships can help us to feel supported and loved.
Helping others: Helping others is a great way to find meaning and purpose in our lives. It can also make us feel good about ourselves and connect us to our community.
Taking care of ourselves: Taking care of our physical, mental, and emotional health is essential for flourishing. This includes eating healthy, getting enough sleep, and exercising regularly.
Setting goals: Having goals gives us something to strive for and helps us feel a sense of accomplishment. When we achieve our goals, it can boost our self-esteem and make us feel more confident.
Flourishing is not an instant process. It requires time, effort, and dedication. However, the rewards are worth it. Flourishing is a state of being that can bring us immense joy, satisfaction, and fulfillment in our lives...if we desire it and are willing to pursue it.
On a recent Zoom call, a woman in her sixties confided in us that she had spent her entire life in the same small town, surrounded by the same people. While some might view this as an idyllic life, it wasn't fulfilling for her. She wanted to travel, explore different parts of the world, and experience other cultures. Her life felt limited, but she was hesitant to make it bigger. However, she had two requirements to break free from her current situation and move towards a more fulfilling life. She knew where she was and where she wanted to go. Life is comparable to Google Maps in many ways. It cannot guide us unless it knows our current location and our desired destination.
Getting from here to there - from languishing to flourishing
Getting from here to there is easy if we’re going to the grocery store. It can be more challenging if we’re trying to get to a better place in our lives. When we set out to go to the grocery store, we know where we’re going and usually know what we want when we get there. It’s not always that clear in our life. It requires a little more thought.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.”—Lao Tzu
Here’s a first step that might help focus our attention on what we want. The graphic below represents eight broad categories that are important to our well-being and happiness. Each category has a scale that measures our satisfaction on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being very unsatisfied and 10 being very satisfied. Take some time and consider each category. Ask yourself, “How satisfied am I with this area of my life?” Put a dot on the scale that represents your level of satisfaction with that area of your life. Now, connect the dots. Your wheel might look something like this.
Let’s stop briefly and use a metaphor to see what we have here. Imagine this was a wheel on your vehicle to get through life. It would be a bumpy and unpleasant ride. If your ride through life isn’t as smooth and rewarding as you’d like it to be, this wheel might point out some opportunities to bring things into balance.
If you’ve made it this far, it’s time for you to take a close look at the different areas of your life and ask yourself,
“How satisfied am I with this area of my life?” Here is a blank wheel waiting for you to mark it up.
This is a personal and private exercise. Nobody needs to see it but you. As you carefully consider the current state of your life in each area, tell the truth. This is for your eyes only right now. Ask yourself, “Is this the life I truly want for myself?” Are you really being the person you want to be in your relationships, your health, and the way you go through every day of your life? Be brutally honest with yourself. Nobody is watching.
Here’s your blank wheel. Get a pencil and think about your level of satisfaction in each of these areas. Mark a dot, then connect the lines.
Your finished wheel might be a variation on one of the three themes below. Going from left to right, the first wheel represents a balanced but unsatisfactory life. This person has settled for a lot less than life is willing to offer. The middle wheel represents a balanced and moderately satisfied life. This person is at a critical stage in the process of creating the life they want. We’ll come back to that later. I asked a group recently what the third wheel might indicate. Someone quickly replied, “She’s lying.” That was a good answer because none of us are as good as we think we are or as bad as we think we are.
Your wheel probably looks closer to this one, which happens to be the wheel that I did before I started writing this post.
Despite all the work I’ve done, all the books I’ve read, all the seminars I’ve attended, and all the successes I’ve had on my journey, I’m still a work in progress. At the ripe old age of eighty-one and a half, I often think about a scenario at the funeral home when my family makes the arrangements, and the funeral director asks who would like to deliver the eulogy. I imagine an awkward moment when everyone looks around nervously at each other because nobody knows what they would say. You think about things like that when you get older. If I create my life as art, I want to leave something behind that might hang in the virtual museum of life that would inspire others to create their masterpiece.
If you’re still reading and you’re interested in creating your masterpiece, let’s go to the next step.
Where do I begin?
“Your vision will become clear only when you look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.” —Carl Jung
The artist begins with a sketch. The sketch roughly estimates what’s in their mind, but it’s not the finished product. The sketch points them in the direction of their vision. Once they begin the work, they continuously revise and improvise.
Let’s begin like an artist — with a sketch. Deciding exactly what we want in each of these areas might be overwhelming, and we might not know. If you don’t know exactly what you want, think about how you want to feel in each area and the qualities and conditions that must exist for you to be more satisfied in that area of your life. Jot down notes as the ideas come to you. Don’t worry about grammar, spelling, or neatness. Your page might look messy, but that’s the way sketches are. Some huge projects in history started with a sketch on a napkin at lunch.
Here’s your homework:
Make an agreement with yourself to devote 30 to 60 minutes to doing this exercise.
Find a quiet space where you will not be interrupted.
Get into a contemplative/creative state of mind. (Play soft quiet instrumental (only) music.
Give yourself permission to dream.
Focus principally on your health to begin. Without health, none of the other things are possible. How do you want to feel? How do you want to look? What do you want to weigh?
Ask yourself…
What do I want?
Who do I want to become?
Where do I want to go?
Who do I want to help?
What kind of health do I want?
How do I want to feel?
Or ask:
What would I accomplish if I knew I couldn’t fail?
How would my life change if I didn’t have to worry about time or money? What would I do differently?
What important things would I do if I only had one more year to live?
How do I want to be remembered?
These questions will generate ideas. Some of these ideas will be small, some modest, some big, and some may be outrageous. Write them all down. You may have literally hundreds of wishes, wants, and needs written down. That’s what should happen. We create our lives by the questions we ask.
You may not know what you want in each of these areas, and that’s alright. That’s why we start with a sketch. However, you probably know how you want to feel in these areas. Start there. Stephen Covey said, “Begin with the end in mind.” Make the feeling the end, then back into the concrete things that will bring about that feeling.
The force that through the green fuse drives the flower —Dylan Thomas
There is a force in all of us that is trying to drive the flower of our lives, but we all too often block that force with our negative and self-limiting mindsets. That force is the source of our flourishing. We can unblock that force by thinking more about what we want and less about what we don’t want. After all, we’re going to get whatever we think about . . . whether we want it or not.
Awesome post, Pat! Thank you!