Expectations of Presence
I have the privilege of being part of the H.E.B. Foundation’s Know Your Neighbor initiative, a cohort of 15 people who have worked together for over a year to learn the history and culture of our neighborhoods and meet the people who live in those neighborhoods. I’ve learned so much about our city's rich culture and history that I would never have known had it not been for the leadership of the H.E.B Foundation and Know Your Neighbor.
Our meetings are grounded in nine principles that help bring us into presence. Meetings always go better when everyone is present instead of being in yesterday or tomorrow. These nine principles are printed on a card with the heading, Expectations of Presence.
I’m grateful to Elizabeth Coffee, the Director of Storytelling for Know Your Neighbor, for allowing me to share this with you. I hope it might improve attendance at your meetings or conversations.
BE FULLY PRESENT, EXTENDING AND PRESUMING WELCOME
Set aside the usual distraction of things undone from yesterday and things to do tomorrow. Welcome others into this space and presume you are welcome too.
LISTEN GENEROUSLY
Listen intently to what is said. Listen to the feelings beneath the words. As Quaker Douglas Steere writes, “To listen to another’s soul into life, into a condition of disclosure and discovery, may be almost the greatest gift we can offer to another.”
WE COME AS EQUALS
We don’t have the same gifts, limits or experiences, but no person’s gifts, limits or experiences are more or less important than the another’s.
IT IS NEVER “SHARE OR DIE.”
You will be invited to share stories in pairs and in a large group. The invitation is exactly that. You will determine the extent to which you want to participate.
NO FIXING
We are not here to set someone else straight, right a wrong, or provide therapy. We are here to extend generosity and hospitality through the stories we share and hear.
SUSPEND JUDGMENT
Set aside your judgments. By creating a space between judgments and reactions, we can listen to another person, and to ourselves, more fully.
TURN TO WONDER
If you find yourself becoming judgmental or cynical, try turning to wonder: “I wonder why she shared that story or made those choices?” “I wonder what my reaction teaches me.” “I wonder what he’s feeling right now.”
EMBRACE CONSTRUCTIVE CONFLICT
Welcome diverse perspectives and seek to understand and learn what’s at stake for the other person. Because we are not all alike, it is only through listening with curiosity and without judgment that together we can construct an alternative perspective that embraces what’s at stake for all.
REPAIR
Acknowledge that supremacies are being expressed through habits in our bodies and voices that can be replaced with new habits like humility, resilience, reparative actions and collective healing.