Elder or Elderly?
There seems to be some confusion over the meaning of the words “Elder” and “Elderly.” Let’s see if we can put them in their distinct but respectable categories.
Elderly is chronological. It’s a function of the calendar and the passing of time, something we have no control over. The word usually implies some lack of ability or function. We should do a better job of honoring the elderly for they are our future selves.
Elder is evolutionary. It is a function of the intentional transition from the ego-driven first half of life into the soul-driven second half of life, not a function of the calendar.
Elderly is an adjective. Elder is a noun.
What is an Elder?
According to Richard Rohr, in his book, Falling Upward, an Elder is characterized by a kind of bright sadness and sober happiness. Elders have seen a lot, suffered a lot, and they know that life is serious. They have a kind of gravitas that reveals the wisdom that has been uncovered by their suffering.
They are sad because they hold the pain of the larger world, and wish everyone enjoyed what they now enjoy; but there is brightness because life is somehow—on some levels—still very good.
In this second half of life, one has less and less need or interest in eliminating the negative or fearful, making again those old rash judgments, holding on to old hurts, or feeling any need to punish other people. Your superiority complexes have gradually departed in all directions. You do not fight these things anymore; they have just shown themselves too many times to be useless, ego based, counterproductive, and often entirely wrong. You learn to positively ignore and withdraw your energy from evil or stupid things rather than fight them directly. —Richard Rohr
Erik Erikson calls someone at this stage a “generative” person, one who is eager and able to generate life from his or her own abundance and for the benefit of following generations.
I hope you have an Elder in your life who is a friend and mentor who can listen patiently without waving a judgemental finger or launching into a lecture. Someone who can ask gentle questions that open your mind to new possibilities.
Most of all, I hope you have someone who can help you see the second half of life as an opportunity for continued growth and learning.