Diminisher or Illuminator?
One of my earliest childhood memories is lying in the middle of the kitchen floor, reading the dictionary. My parents would simply step over me without scolding me or sending me out of the kitchen. I believe they may have unconsciously, or perhaps consciously, nurtured my love for reading. Even after 75 years, I still haven't finished the dictionary, but I’ve completed many other books that have greatly enriched my life. It's difficult for me to imagine living this long without ever having read a book, although many people do.
A book is an axe for the frozen sea inside us —Franz Kafka
The latest book I’m reading, How to Know a Person, by David Brooks, has been chipping away at that frozen sea inside me.
Chip Conley, the founder of MEA, a mid-life wisdom school, has said that our purpose in life is to find our gifts, and then give them away. I think I’ve been given the gift of reading, and maybe I can give that away by sharing with you what I’m learning.
Brooks breaks through the surface of our thinking and takes us to the deeper levels. After teaching Dale Carnegie Courses for many years and practically memorizing How to Win Friends and Influence People, I thought I knew a lot about social intelligence. This book is taking an axe to that notion. I’m just a novice.
For example, he puts people in two categories: Diminishers and Illuminators: “Diminishers make people feel small and unseen. They see other people as things to be used, not as persons to be befriended. They stereotype and ignore. They are so involved with themselves that other people are just not on their radar screen. Illuminators, on the other hand, have a persistent curiosity about other people. They have been trained or have trained themselves in the craft of understanding others. They know what to look for and how to ask the right questions at the right time. They shine the brightness of their care on people and make them feel bigger, deeper, respected, lit up.”
How do you see yourself? A Diminisher or Illuminator? Of course, none of us want to be a Diminisher. On second thought, I can think of some people in the public eye who seem to take great joy in diminishing others. But, most of us would prefer to be Illuminators. Brooks helps us see how easy it is to diminish others without even realizing it.
A few months ago, I was going through the Starbucks drive-thru to get a cup of coffee on my way to a meeting. The young lady at the window greeted me with a bright smile and cheerfully said, "Good morning, it's a beautiful day today, isn't it?" I replied, "Yes, except for all the traffic.” Why did I have to say that? This cheerful girl, who probably serves Diminishers all day long, gave me a gift of her enthusiasm and cheerfulness, which is rarely seen among people who serve the public, and I returned it with a comment that sucked the life out of it.
It could have been a moment that brightened up both of our days if I had enough self-awareness to consider a different response.
Brooks tells the story of Jennie Jerome, who later became Winston Churchill’s mother. It’s said that when she was young, she dined with the British statesman William Gladstone and left thinking he was the cleverest person in England. Later she dined with Gladstone’s great rival, Benjamin Disraeli, and left that dinner thinking she was the cleverest person in England. It’s nice to be like Gladstone, but it’s better to be like Disraeli.
Who are the Illuminators in your life?