I was annoyed when the sample lady at Costco didn’t have her sample tray out when I came by. I waited impatiently while judging her competence as a Costco sample lady. When she finally put the tray out, I pushed my way through the crowd and even thought, for a moment, about pushing that little kid’s hand away that was reaching for my sample. I took two, then came back around for more, hoping that she wouldn’t recognize me.
On a day when people all over the world are enduring unspeakable hardships, I’m whining to myself because I have to wait a few minutes to get a free sample. Does that make me a narcissist, a human, or just a product of our culture?
One thing I can say on my behalf is that I’m aware of these narcissistic thoughts and behaviors when they arise and work hard to overcome them so I suppose that disqualifies me from being a true narcissist or just puts me lower on the spectrum of narcissism. But, why are they there in the first place?
Here’s a checklist of the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder from the Mayo Clinic. Check the ones you recognize in yourself, then check the ones you recognize in our culture. I’m going to guess that you’ll check more that you recognize in our culture than you recognize in yourself.
Symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder and how severe they are can vary. People with the disorder can:
Have an unreasonably high sense of self-importance and require constant, excessive admiration.
Feel that they deserve privileges and special treatment.
Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements.
Make achievements and talents seem bigger than they are.
Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate.
Believe they are superior to others and can only spend time with or be understood by equally special people.
Be critical of and look down on people they feel are not important.
Expect special favors and expect other people to do what they want without questioning them.
Take advantage of others to get what they want.
Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others.
Be envious of others and believe others envy them.
Behave in an arrogant way, brag a lot, and come across as conceited.
Insist on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car or office.
After taking another look at the title of this article, I’ve decided that I don’t qualify as a true narcissist because a true narcissist wouldn’t confess to anything.
It troubles me to see that many of the behaviors on the list are displayed so openly and unashamedly in our culture. A good friend, whom I admire greatly, went to Poland to work with World Central Kitchen on the Ukrainian border. She saw human suffering that most of us in this country will never experience.
When she returned to the U.S., she saw these narcissistic behaviors more clearly as she witnessed whiny little (fill in the blank) complain about everything from Baristas to traffic jams. She fell into a temporary depression as she saw the sense of entitlement, lack of compassion, and over-indulgence in our country.
Here’s an example: The Atlanta Journal-Constitution recently ran an article about a hamburger that is being sold at the Atlanta Braves games. It is described as “a half-pound Wagyu beef burger topped with cage-free pan-fried eggs, gold-leaf-wrapped Hudson Valley foie gras, grilled cold water lobster tail, heirloom tomato, Bibb lettuce, Tillamook cheddar cheese and truffle aioli on a toasted, Irish-buttered brioche bun served with Parmesan waffle fries.” This delicacy can be yours for only $150!
The image of a bunch of fat guys at a baseball game engorging themselves on a 10,000-calorie burger and chugging beer while we have people living on the street without enough food is reminiscent of a Roman orgy. It’s disgusting.
Am I too “woke?” For too many people in our country, my “wokeness” is more disgusting than the image of the $150 hamburger orgy. One of the two major political parties in our country is campaigning against being “woke” which simply means waking up to the social injustice that exists in our society. I’m puzzled by this every day since most of these people attend church fairly regularly and profess to be good Christians. As Yul Brynner said in the King and I, “It is a puzzlement.”
The only answer I have so far is that to be “woke” (read awake) means that I have to stop accumulating and let other people get their samples first. It means being aware of our unhealthy impulses soon enough to dial them back.
Everyone is a teacher and everything is a lesson if we’re awake to what even the most abhorrent person and the worst circumstances can teach us.
❤️ your insights, Pat!